Kids, don't try this at home

Nurse K: You don't remember being here for so long because you fried your brain with drugs. (Some times this nurse may be a little blunt...)
Susie Meth: Well meth will fry your brain. Cocaine will fry your brain. But heroine doesn't fry your brain.  Sometimes the world is a scary place and your don't want to deal with it anymore so you take a little heroine and you feel better.

Spoken like a true addict.

You know your a nurse if

You know your a real nurse if your patient starts having a seizure and your first thought is, "really? I was just about to go to lunch. You couldn't have waited until I got back?!"

........

The other day my patient says to me, "You are so pretty. You look like a soap opera actress."
My status in the world just went up! ;-) She just may be my favorite patient...  If you want to get on your nurses good side tell them all day how pretty they are. You will be her favorite.  ;-)

.........

So the other day I was wearing green scrub pants with a gray scrub top.  I thought it looked just fine. But then...

Mr. ADHD: So when you first became a nurse did you think it was cool to wear different color scrubs and now you just don't care?

Maybe I should have him ok my outfit tomorrow?

Patient ramblings ...or rumblings, cause some times they do that too.

Cute nurse: What is your name?.
C. Dementia: Why don't you tell me what I think?
Cute nurse: I don't know what you think. :-) Can you tell me what your name is?
C. Dementia: Well, the dogs are doing push ups.

Dr. Tall: Hi Mr. Dementia. How are you?
C. Dementia: Where is your girlfriend?

Cute Nurse:  Are you done going to the bathroom?
C. Dementia: I like your shoes.
Cute Nurse: Thanks. :-) (dirty tennis shoes, probably covered in all sorts of diseases, are the new fad. At least for 80 year old men. )

.........................................................
**Warning: this one is rated PG-13. Actual swear words used have been modified...ish**

Patient drunk off his rocker: Why do you have me F'ing tied up! I'm going to sue this F'ing place! Get me out of here!! (As he makes the bed shake with his body)
Annoyed Nurse: you are in restraints because you are drunk and keep trying to hurt people.
Funny Nurse: Dude, what are you doing drunk at 1:00 in the afternoon? You need to watch your language.
Patient drunk off his rocker: (starts crying) I'm sorry. Please let me out. 
Annoyed Nurse: We can't let you out. We need to keep you safe. 
Patient drunk off his rocker: HAHAHA!! 
Patient drunk off his rocker:  Get me the F out of here! 
Annoyed Nurse: Please stop yelling the F word. You are scaring the other patients.
Patient drunk off his rocker: F! F! F! F! F! F! 

Are you Swedish?

Nurse K: Are you done going to the bathroom? You need to go back to bed.
Susie Meth: (In her "I've been stoned for the past 40 years"voice) Are you Swedish? You have BIG eyes.
Nurse K: As a matter of fact I am.  Now get off the toilet.
Susie Meth: (looks back down at the magazine on her lap)
Nurse K: ok stand up. It's time to go back to bed.
Susie Meth: I'm reading! Don't you ever read on the toilet?!!

Awkward

Hey remember that one time when my crazy patient tried to set me up with all her doctors and then she called me into her room to introduce me to one of the P.A.'s.  Ya, I remember that. It was awkward.

Oh no! I've lost it!

So I think all my jokes about ending up as a patient in the psych unit because of all my crazy patients is coming true!

Wednesday night, in the middle of the night, I woke up so I was like halfway asleep and halfway awake. I was curled in the fetal position in the middle of my bed with my covers completely over my head because I thought one of my patients had escaped from their restraints and was coming to get me. I thought they were lifting the covers off of me and I woke up and screamed!  The second I screamed I woke up all the way and realized it was a dream. But, my heart was pounding out of my chest and it took a few minutes to calm down.  I had to role on to my back because I thought my heart was going to pound into my bed!

I can't believe I screamed in my sleep! I have never done that! I usually don't even remember my dreams.

Suffice it to say, I have been laughing about this ever since and basically telling everyone that would listen to me...  Because it was hilarious!

Screamo

My ears hurt from all the screaming patientsat work the last couple days...

Imagine this: two confused patients in rooms right next to each other who keep yelling out and sometimes start feeding off each other.  And we can't move them away from each other because they both need to be by the nurses station.

"Help!!! Officer Kristen!
Help!!! Officer Kristen! "

Apparently I am a nurse and a cop. Hopefully I am good at both jobs! ;-)

"Humpty Dumbty!! No!!! "

Huh? Where did that come from?

Deaf nurse: Why do you keep screaming? Do you need something? Are you cold?
Pt Screamo: No. I'm just lonely. Hold my hand.

Okay. Here is the thing. I would love to hold everyone's hand and make them feel better. But I am only one person and I have a whole lot of other patients who all want the same thing. So all I can do is reasure you and tell you your safe and I will be back in a few minutes to check on you.  Only to walk out and not even 1 minute later the screaming starts again. "Help!! I promise I will be good!! I'll go to church!!!"  And now other patients, family members, nurses, and doctors are getting upset because the patient won't stop screaming. But, I have given all the medication I can and stood in there with him every spare second I get and there is really nothing else I can do.  I love being a nurse when I feel like I can make a difference. I hate it when I don't have the time or the resources to do things the way that would be best.  It would be best for that patient to have someone sit with him all the time.  But, that is just not possible.